do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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