I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
