I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
