I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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