this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
