We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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