Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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