I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
