Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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