I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
