Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
