Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This baby is an asshole
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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