i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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