I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
