Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
bring money and cleavage
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
