I just threw up on my dentist
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
