My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she smelled like a LAN party
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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