if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
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