Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
