Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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