I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
