the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
