Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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