seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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