Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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