I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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