I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So gin and wine won't be happening again
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.