I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's rum buckets o'clock
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
