ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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