the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
