had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
