I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
