What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
