My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
