My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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