I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
