Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
