btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
