i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
