I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sext me about skeletons
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize