the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
