Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
