ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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