I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
