my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
