my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Randomize
