the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
