the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
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she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
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When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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