just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
