You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
