we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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