worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
