Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
