her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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