She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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