You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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