is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
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You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
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I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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